By L.P. LUPO

WASHINGTON, D.C. — I must have been out of school that day, out of the country or just too busy to watch “Entertainment Tonight” to learn how Jennifer Lopez became J-Lo.

Suspicions that it was her publicist’s ploy to take the ethnicity out of her in order to appeal to the masses are supported by the paring of Alex Rodriguez to A-Rod.

Both nicknames cut the number of syllables from five to two, but there are plenty of celebrities who do quite well with six syllables or more. Jennifer Aniston, to name one.

Anyway, A-Rod was pretty quiet in the playoffs last fall, so he might as well go and hide behind the Alejandro of old.

In the NBA playoffs, we have T-Mac and K-Mart, A.I. and CWebb, and not to forget J-Will. Who’s next — Dirk Nowitzki as D-Now? Do we really need all these adolescent nicknames?

Isn’t it enough that sports commentary is awash in clichés, from “points in the paint” to “kiss off the glass” to “they wanted it more?”

If Tracy McGrady and Kenyon Martin are such big stars that they warrant one-name treatment — a la Cher and Madonna — why not Tracy and Kenyon?

Name another active NBA player named Tracy or Kenyon.

Shaq may yet become S-One, so he can be confused with a Senate bill, an IRS form or a missile system.

In this upside-down world, anything that starts in Hollywood and migrates into sports is sure to creep into politics.

So I’m looking forward to serial plagiarist J-Bide facing J-Bolt on the F-Rel and opposing his confirmation to the U-Nats because of a failure to tip cabbies.

I guess maybe the J-Bide nickname works, for he is biding his time to retirement, knowing he’ll never go any further.

He covers his impotence by going after J-Bolt, who actually wants to accomplish something. Being nice to the UN and its world government aspirants is not one of them.

At the S-Jud, P-Owe and J-Bro can appear behind a screen with electronically altered voices, so that T-Ken, another minority party ethical pillar, will not punish them for not being a credit to their gender and race.

Imagine this silliness with the Pope. Not only would the old media mindlessly slip into horse-race mode and apply the red state/blue state chasm with the Pope, but it would have to explain how J-Rat became B-16, either a World War II bomber or a vitamin supplement, certainly not a Pope.

I am not in favor of this trend.

But if it must continue, like the French Academy that bans the use of the word “computer” as un-French in favor of “ordinateure,” we need to hold a convention to establish the ground rules of the K-Mart-like treatment.

First we have to make sure the nickname fits.

Is Kenyon Martin similar to a big box planted in the suburbs?

No. He plays inside, in the hub of activity.