By L.P. LUPO

WASHINGTON, D.C. — I have a confession to make.

I occasionally listen to National Public Radio to eavesdrop on the enemy.

WAMU, one of nearly an infinite number of local affiliates that carry NPR, recently had a program about when and where to hear “Holiday” music during the “Holidays.”

Two erudite fellows with officially sanctioned NPR-style whines dutifully mentioned the “Holidays” at least 50 times during the segment, without ever specifying which holidays they were talking about.

It was clear that word had gone out from management, editors or the Special Officer for Ideological purity: Under no circumstance — repeat, no circumstance — should the dreaded “Ch-Ch-Christmas” word be uttered, lest it offend Muslims or secularists.

Eventually, one of the whiners slipped up, probably when mentioning a performance of Handel’s Messiah at the National Ca-Ca-Cathedral. He was very contrite, nearly apologetic. It was the classic exception that exposed the rule.

I half-expected him to confess a dependency on prescription medication for an enlarged prostate and promise to check himself into the Betty Ford Clinic.

I think the banning of public utterances to specific holidays is a great idea and needs to be expanded and applied comprehensively.

Thus Ramadan should be referred to as the “Holidays.”

This would mandate a change in the template favored by the media around that time of the year.

No more: “Muslim activists warned the U.S. military not to carry ammunition during the Holiest Month of the Islam year.”

Corrected template: Religious crazies warned the U.S. military not to carry ammunition during the Holidays, lest they interfere with one group of the extremely devoted from blowing up the meeting places of other extremely devoted people.

To be consistent, the word mosque would be on the ban list as well. Churches are only OK to mention on NPR if it involves Republicans burning black churches in the South.

The Hindu observance of Holi and Mahashivarati must be reduced to the “Holidays.”

The Buddhist celebrations of Vesak, Visakha Puja and Magha Puja Day must become the “Holidays.”

Halloween also must be banned as a leftover pagan holiday in the new generic society.

Kwanzaa? The “Holidays.” Passover? The “Holidays.”

We need to start treating the secular holidays of those to whom secularism is a religion in the same manner.

The liberal retreat known as the Renaissance Weekend in Hilton Head, S.C.? The “Holidays.” The Sundance Film Festival? The “Holidays.” Woodstock would be the “Wow, Far Out, Good Stuff, Drugged-Out Holidays.” Dig?

All the various walks seeking a cure for this or that and “pride day” parades for different groups could be referred to as “Holiday Walks” and “Holiday Parades.”

The Oscars, Emmys and Pulitzer awards, all secular religious holidays for liberals, where conservatives need not apply, should be referred to as “Awards Days” or “Evening Holidays.”

This could get confusing.

But it is a small price to pay for true religious freedom — and freedom from all religions — and the constitutional trump cards invented by the left: the banning of anything that anyone deems “offensive;” that make anyone “uncomfortable;” or that limit the all-purpose diversity exception to any and all other Constitutional rights.

All we really want is a little consistency.